Finding the Love of Your Life

by Neil Clarke-Warren



One of the better books I've read on dating. Click on the picture to get amazon info, or to purchase.

Here are the guts that I pulled from the book for you. Enjoy!

The 7 most prevalent causes of faulty mate selection

• The decision to get married is made too quickly
• The decision is made at too young an age
• One or both persons are too eager to be married
• One or both may be choosing a mate to please someone else
• The experience base is too narrow
• The couple has unrealistic expectations
• One or both may have un-addressed significant personality or behavior problems

What specifically do you want in a mate in each of these areas?

• Personality
• Intelligence
• Appearance
• Ambition
• Chemistry
• Spirituality
• Character
• Creativity
• Parenting
• Authenticity

Helpful marriage similarities

• Socio-economic background of family
• Intelligence
• Formal education
• Verbal skills
• Expected roles for both persons within the marriage
• Views about power distribution within the family
• Desired number of children
• When a family should be started
• Child rearing views
• Political philosophy
• Views about smoking, alcohol, and drugs
• Amount of involvement with in-laws
• Sense of humor
• Punctuality
• Dependability
• Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate
• The role of conflict and how to resolve it
• The way to handle anger
• How friendships with the opposite sex should be handled
• Expected amount of privacy and rules for its use
• Level of ambition
• Life goals
• Attitudes about weight
• Religious and spiritual involvement
• Amount of church involvement
• Family spiritual involvement
• Hobbies and interests
• Type of music enjoyed
• Energy level for physical activities
• Sexual drive and sexual interests
• Amount of income to be spent and saved
• How money should be allocated
• Amount of money to be given away and to whom
• Degree of risks to be taken with investments
• Attitudes about cleanliness
• Ways of handling sickness
• Health standards -when to see a doctor
• Interpersonal and social skills
• Amount and type of social involvement preferred
• Geographical area in which to live
• Size and style of house
• Type of furniture and decorations
• Amount and type of travel preferred
• How to spend vacations
• How to celebrate major holidays
• How much time to spend together
• When to go to sleep and get up
• Temperature of home during the day and night
• Activity during meals
• Television programs preferred

Emotional problems always do damage in a relationship. For example...

• neurotic: a person avoids problems because he feels inadequate. Too much guilt.
• sociopath, or character disorders: inadequate socialization. Underdeveloped conscience. Too little guilt. (example, antisocial personality disorder)
• anger mismanagement
• narcissism: completely self-focused
• manic-depressive or cyclothymic personality: alternating periods of elation and depression
• addictions: “Any behavior that negatively affects your health, work, or primary relationships, and yet you continue to engage in it.
• Parental issues:
• Not emotionally free from them. Still trying to please them.
• Confusing what is true about our parents with what is true about our spouse.
• Allowing parents to intrude in our marriage.

Fundamental elements in being healthy

• Inner security: Don't think they have to be “right” in order to be acceptable and valuable.
• Respect for the truth
• Collecting all the information
• Weighing all the information
• Authentic: Make decisions, state them, and stand in them

How to become healthy if you're not now

• Find a source that offers unconditional love, the kind of love you needed when you were a child.
• Learn to love yourself
• Find someone who will regularly encourage, inspire, listen to and challenge you
• Cultivate relationships with people who will help you take a stand, be authentic and feel ecure in your positions

Principles for expressing passionate love

• Passionate love between two people is a crucial ingredient if they are to have a long and satisfying relationship.
• Passionate love always involves strong physical attraction.
• Physical involvement must be managed with extreme care.
• Every progression of physical activity establishes a new plateau, and it is extremely difficult to retreat once it has been reached.
• When sexual expression is not kept in check, the emotional, cognitive, and spiritual aspects of the relationship become slaves tot he physical desires.

Why most relationships don't survive when passion fades...

• Some people are addicted to all the excitement that is present in the early phases of the “passion period.”
• Some people simply don't want to move on to the next stage.
• Some people simply don't know how to move to the next stage.
• Sometimes passionate love fails to develop into a deeper love because one or both people recognize their relationship is just not right.

What does companionate love look like?

• Enduring love involves an unselfish commitment to your lover's happiness.
  Companionate love compels you to enjoy what your partner enjoys.
• People who love each other deeply recognize the value of developing three spaces in their relationship – one for him, one for her, one for us
• People who love each other in a mature and enduring way seem to recognize the importance of finding individual wholeness, and they know this usually comes during periods of quietness and solitude.
• Genuine love provides the freedom to share your real, authentic self with your partner.
  Companionate love requires trust – and trust requires trustworthiness.
• People who love each other well have shared dreams and plans for reaching them.

Four conditions usually must be present before others will share with you at a deep level

• Interest
• Commitment
• Camaraderie
• Participation

When is intimacy most likely to happen

• When plenty of time is available
• When you're away from the routine
• In times of crisis or pain
• When couples are regularly involved in reflection and introspection.

Five simple techniques for the mastery of conflict

• There must be a basic agreement that both people have a legitimate right to feel and think the way they do.
• Both persons need to be fully heard by their partner; and they need to know they have been accurately understood.
• Your points of disagreement need to be specified carefully, and then agreed upon.
  An attitude of “give and take” greatly facilitates resolution.
• When you resolve a conflict with your partner; congratulate each other.

The most common ways to mismanage conflict

• Denial
• Non-engagement
• Anger explosion
• Manipulation (guilt, flattery, threats, blackmail, subtle deal-making)
• Blatant pay-off

Couples who handle conflict destructively usually exhibit the following pattern

• One or both persons grew up in a home in which conflict was handled poorly or never handled at all.
• They now believe that conflict is dangerous, that is better left unacknowledged.
• Then there develops a commitment to keeping the peace by denying individual differences.
• There is a sense on both their parts that the relationship should be kept superficial. There is a fear that they should not “venture into the deep.”
• When these people do have to confront conflict, they both feel ill at ease.
• Because they each feel insecure, they tend to talk far too much and listen far too little.
• Without even knowing it, they become committed to “winning” rather than “resolving” a conflict.
• They each regularly feel misunderstood, stifled and disrespected.
• They tend to keep more things inside, to hide themselves from their partner.
• As differences build between them, their first response is denial.

Here's how couples handle conflict well

• There is a strong commitment to harmony, but only if it involves openness and authenticity on the part of both individuals.
• Both person have a deep respect for themselves and for their partner.
• Both persons expect there to be differences between them, and they welcome them.
• There is a high appreciation for the uniqueness of the other person and an understanding of the importance of listening and hearing accurately.
• Each person has a strong sense of comfort in the relationship.
• There is a determination to deal with conflict, not ignore it.
• Both people are able to admit when they are wrong.
• There is a lack of defensiveness-an absence of competition and the desire to win.
• There is an eagerness on both their parts to congratulate each other when differences are esolved happily.
• There is a recognition that the road to love needs to be kept clear of conflict and resentment, and there is a willingness to spend the time required to get this done.

Avantages that commitment provides for every marriage

• Commitment holds a couple together during three difficult periods in their relationship.
• Commitment significantly eases the fear of abandonment.
• Commitment makes trust and intimacy possible.
• On the basis of commitment, you can soar together on the wings of un-negotiated love.

How much should parents and friends should influence mate selection

• The bottom line is that each bride and groom need to make their own decision.
• The wisdom of the decision depends on the depth and accuracy of their knowledge about themselves and their potential mate.
• For parents and friends, there is a fine line between being overly intrusive and being genuinely honest and helpful.
• Parents and close friends can sometimes be too demanding.
• When it comes to getting married, a bride and groom need to maintain a careful balance when considering others' opinions.

What to do if the opinion of your parents or friends differs from yours

• Remain as open and receptive as you can.
• Take your time!
• Find the right time to sit down with the objecting friends or parents and hear them out.
• Carefully compare their observations with your own.
• If there are major differences between their analysis and your own, and if you are left unsure or confused, seek some help from other friends or relatives.
• Don't be afraid to seek professional counseling.