The Unwritten, Unspoken Contract

When we walk down the aisle we promise to love, honor, cherish, obey, yada yada yada... However, in reality we often have some kind of unspoken, unacknowledged contract in our mind about what this marriage will be about.

It's really helpful to figure out what the contract is that you have tucked away in the back of your mind. It will help explain why you get so upset when your spouse doesn't live up to their end of the "bargain" (that they may not even know about!).

I asked a couple of my coachees to write out what their unspoken contract was, and this was one that I thought was particularly descriptive.

I will do everything in my power to make your life easier… you will not leave
I will not confront you… you will love me
I will not voice my anger directly… you will love me
I will pay for things… you will love me
I will give you a house to live in… you will fix things and handle house things
I will cook and buy groceries and do laundry… you will not leave
I will “love” you and be “nice” to you… you will be sexual with me
I will listen to all your "stuff"... you will love me
I will give to you “in a way I want”… so you will give back to me
I will touch you… please touch me
I will love you … please love me
I will keep you organized… you will be responsible
I will have healthy food for you… you will make healthy choices
I will put my needs aside… you won’t leave
I will tolerate your rants… you will realize how lucky you are to have me
I will put up with your messiness… you will realize how lucky you are to have me
I will put up with your irresponsibility… you will realize how lucky you are to have me
I will “mother” you… you will be a “good boy”