I'm Separated. What do I do???

I have had the opportunity to help several people over the past couple of years who were struggling with an unwanted separation/divorce. In my opinion, this is one of the most difficult experiences of life to navigate. It's an unwanted roller-coaster ride that you can't get off! Yuck...

As a Christian, I believe there are three things that are important to do, all at the same time. It's a huge challenge, but if you take it on, it will help you make the most of a perplexing and painful and confusing situation.

1. EMOTIONALLY: On an emotional level you have to grieve as if this marriage is over. Let yourself feel the pain, get the support, grieve the loss. Get to the place where you can imagine life without your spouse in it. And imagining that it will be OK. This is a very difficult place to get to. But it will be sooo helpful in the long run, no matter what the result of the separation is.

2. INTELLECTUALLY: With our brains we know and believe that this situation could always turn around. Our spouse can change. God may move in a miraculous way. Unexpected circumstances may arise. So we continue to pray for that, work for that, be open to that. That is our rational self.

3. PRACTICALLY: On a day-to-day level, focus on taking care of yourself. Do anything and everything to be healthy and strong... physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, financially. You have been hit by a bus, and you need a lot of TLC. It's OK. You're not a baby. You need to be well cared for during this time. It's not selfish. And part of taking care of yourself may be limiting exposure to your spouse, or setting other boundaries regarding your interactions with them, so that you don't keep getting hit by the same bus! (One of the most ironic things that tends to happen is that the more boundaries you have regarding your spouse, in an effort to take care of yourself, the more likely it will wake your spouse up to the reality of what is happening, and what they are losing, and give them the impetus to work on the relationship again. Sometimes it is the only thing that gets their attention.)

If you find yourself in this situation, I'm so sorry. It's horrible! Hopefully, these guidelines will help you keep your focus on what's really important. Don't hesitate to contact us if we can be of help! You don't have to do this alone.