To listen or to fix

I've been reminded lately that we humans have a genetic predisposition to rush in and fix other people's problems. It's not our fault. It's caused by gene #473. (kidding)

Our friend or colleague or patient or child or mailperson tells us about a problem or pain in their life and we immediately spring to action! We are now the expert on relationships or finances or medicine or garbage disposals, and are eager to share all our wisdom, intelligence, brainstorming, and experience with the poor suffering soul. Is that not why they came to us? They have a problem, and they need help fixing it! Why else would they have told us????

Put the shoe on the other foot. You are in pain, you've got a big problem, your heart is heavy, you just need to talk to a friend, someone who will care. You take the risk, share your heart, and what you get back is... "Have you tried this? You need to _______. My uncle did such and such." And your heart sinks as you feel disconnected from your friend's heart and are now in a boring intellectual discussion. You could have gone to the internet if you just needed ideas or suggestions. What you really needed was someone to listen and care for you, and your heart. You needed human connection.

Something so simple, listening and caring, is routinely neglected. Why else would people pay me up to $100 an hour? Yes, sometimes they are looking for specific answers and suggestions. But often I don't do much more than listen carefully, and express care and compassion and empathy. They aren't getting it from their friends, so they come to me. They're starving for it.

Why is this essential salve for the soul so rare?

1. One reason is that we live in a society that is fix-it oriented. We can not tolerate more than a moment of pain or problem, so there is a general rush to "make it better." We're all in on the conspiracy because we're America, dang it! We're problem solvers! We want life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness after all.
2. Secondly, even though listening and caring is "easy," we often don't want to go there. It can make us feel uncomfortable. We may not want that depth of heart connection with this person. It can be scary. To enter into their pain and troubled heart with them may bring up issues within ourselves that we have tried to ignore. And it's a waste of time! We have things to do, for heaven's sake! If we're not going to jump into problem solving than "I gotta go." (American Idol is on.)
3. Third, It makes us feel better. We think that by dispensing advice we have actually helped, even though we often haven't. But we can pat ourselves on the back for being a good and helpful friend and go on our way.
4. And fourth, men actually may have a defective gene in this area! They are built to fix and solve and conquer. Listening without helping might make them blow a fuse! (Mothers may have this gene too. It's their job to solve all their childrens' problems, so they better get right to it!)
   
   Tips...
   
   If you are the listener:

• Listen and care first. There is always time to give advice after. You can't go wrong with this approach. Make sure their heart is adequately attended to before moving on to the practical stuff.
• Assume that your friend wants 90% listening and caring and 10% advice.
• Don't offer advice or suggestions unless they ask for it, or you ask them if they want it. At that point, if they say yes, they will be more ready to receive what you have to give anyway.

If you are the one with the problem:

• Be up front about what you want. "I need to talk to you about something, and what I really need most from you is to just listen and care."
• If your friend starts jumping in with unsolicited, unwanted advice, shut them down immediately! "I know you really want to help me, and the best way to help right now is to just listen to my heart and care for me." It's ok to teach your friends about what you need from them!

I hope this helps you make better connections in your life!

The three T's of good communication

When communication breaks down it is often because of three common mistakes. Truth is not told. Truth is told in a callous way. Or Truth is told at an inopportune time. Good communication thrives on Truth, Tact, and Timing.

TRUTH: If we do not speak the truth we can not expect good communication. Usually when we think of not speaking the truth we think of outright lies. Although this is a problem, lack of truth can also take the form of not saying things that need to be said. It is an "error of ommission." Another way is to shade the truth by exaggerating some parts, or playing down others. For example, if coworker asks if the music she is playing at her desk is bothering you, instead of saying, "Yes," you say, "I'm getting used to it." For communication to be effective it needs to be undiluted and direct.

TACT: Sometimes the content we communicate is factually accurate but it is delivered in an unpalatable way! Our tone of voice, or the character assinations we tack on to our statements make it very difficult for the other to receive without being on the defensive. Many arguments start and blow up because of this. It's not the message that's the problem; it's the delivery system. For example, screaming "You left the dishes on the table again, you slob!" is not likely to be met by receptive ears. In fact, you'll probably get an earful back! "Well look at the loads of laundry you have backed up! And you never have dinner on time anyway."

TIMING: Sometimes we communicate truth in a tactful way, but at a time that doesn't work well. When the other is tired, preoccupied, sick, or has just suffered trauma they will be less likely to receive your communication with gratefulness. For example, when your spouse comes home and announces he lost his job it would not be the best time to point out why he shouldn't have taken that job in the first place, or all the reasons where you think he messed up and should do differently in his next job. Yes, sometimes truth can't wait for the perfect time. But if we think a little bit we can usually spot a place in the schedule when we know it will be a good time for the other.

Truth, Tact, and Timing. Three key ingredients to effective communication.

Tools to focus your morning or evening prayer time

If you're like me your mind wanders horribly during prayer! I find that if I have a list of potential topics to spur me to think about different things it makes the time much more meaningful.

I also find that if I write things down I am much more focused. So, at the end of this article you will see links to forms that incorporate these teaser phrases in a way that lets you "fill in the blank," so to speak.

Try them out, and then let me know what you think by clicking on the "comment" link at the bottom of this article.

Morning Prayer Tool

• The theme of my dreams was...
• A "God thing" from yesterday was...
• God, I praise you because you are…
• God, I thank you for…
• God, today I am feeling…
• God, today my faith is…
• God, today I confess...
• God, I want to better understand...
• God, please help…
• God, please bless…
• God, I am worried about…
• God, I need your help with…
• In Jesus' name and authority I send to flight the evil forces affecting...
• God, what I need from you today is…
• God what would you like me to do about…
• God, what are the most important things for me to do accomplish today?
• God, what do you want to say to me right now?

If you would like to use a one-page form as an aid in writing out your responses to these questions, scroll to the bottom.

Evening Prayer Tool

• God, I praise you because you are…
• God, I thank you for…
• God, today I felt…
• God, today my faith was…
• God, today I confess...
• God, I want to better understand...
• God, please help…
• God, please bless…
• God, I am concerned about…
• God, I need your help with…
• In Jesus' name and authority I send to flight the evil forces affecting...
• God, what I need from you tomorrow is…
• God what would you like me to do about…
• God, what are the most important things for me to do accomplish tomorrow?
• God, I'd like you to speak to me in my dreams about...
• God, what are you saying to me?

NOTE: Clicking on these links below will bring you to a page where you can view the form. To Save the form, click on the word "Download" underneath the document. To Print the form, click on the word "More" at the top of the document, and choose "Print."

There is a Word and PDF version of each form. Choose whichever works best for you.

Morning Prayer Too...

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Morning Prayer Too...

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Evening Prayer Too...

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Evening Prayer Too...

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Are you myopic? Or hyperopic?

There once was a man who took really good care of himself. He exercised daily, got plenty of sleep, was never late with a payment, and had several interesting hobbies. His motto was, "Charity begins at home." However, he was never available to take friends to the airport, gave a dollar a week at church, thought that national and international news was boring and irrelevant, and avoided friends if they were having problems. He was myopic. Near-sighted.

There once was a woman who loved everyone. She took casseroles to the sick, volunteered for all committees at church, mowed her elderly neighbor's lawn, and gave generously to strangers in need. Her motto was, "It's better to burn out than rust out." However, she was broke, overweight, unhappy, and exhausted. She was on the verge of needing to be taken care of by others. She was hyperopic. Far-sighted.

Is it wrong to be near-sighted? Is it wrong to be far-sighted? Which is better?

The problem is that they're both disorders. A near-sighted person gets corrective lenses to enable him to see things at a distance, while continuing to see things close up. A far-sighted person gets lenses that help her see up close, while retaining her ability to see a distance.

Which corrective lenses do you need? Do you tend to be very aware of your own needs, and work to meet them, but stay relatively unfazed by the needs of others? Or are you always busy trying to meet the needs of others, while ignoring your own?

The Bible speaks simply to this issue: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4, NIV)

If you are near-sighted, the challenge is to begin to become more concerned about others. Intentionally get involved with people and situations and projects that get you out of yourself. Go on a short-term missions trip. Volunteer at a food bank. Call someone you know who is having a tough time. Pick a percentage of your income (even 1%) to start giving away to people in need, or worthy causes. Do something on purpose that is difficult or uncomfortable. Don't worry. You can do these things and still take good care of yourself!

If you are far-sighted, the challenge for you is to begin taking better care of yourself. Take a day off by shutting off the phone and not answering the door. Get counseling. Plan an event that has no purpose other than fun and enjoyment. Say "no" to someone. Join a club or a group that builds up your mental, emotional, or physical health. Delegate. Buy something for yourself that is absolutely not essential. Maybe even frivolous. For a week, choose to only talk to people who adore you. Turn things over to God. Give him have a chance to solve the world's problems. Don't worry. You can do these things and still give lots of time left to serve others. And the help you give will be a much better quality!

If you need corrective lenses, wear them! You will find your life more satisfying and enriched. And you'll bump into stuff less!

Excuses for not getting help

I am in a position to encourage people to get help for their problems, sometimes involving significant expense or travel. Here are the most common excuses I hear, and my responses.

1. It costs too much money.
   *Not getting help is usually more expensive than getting help.
2. I’m too busy.
   *That's probably part of the problem.
3. My spouse won’t let me.
   *Your spouse is not your parent.
4. I’m not the one with the problem, he is!
   *Is his problem affecting you?
5. I’m going to try it on my own for awhile.
   *That’s what you’ve been doing. Check the results.
6. I can’t find a therapist, group, or program that’s the perfect fit for me.
   *You never will.
7. My kids will miss me while I’m away.
   *But they’ll love the new and improved you!
8. I just need to be stronger and try harder.
   *If that's all it took you would be better by now.
9. I have to take care of a sick friend, relative, or pet.
   *Someone else can. Contrary to popular opinion you are not indispensable!
10. Turning to others for help means I am not trusting God.
    *Can you trust that God will work through his people?
11. The future is more important than the past.
    *Right. And addressing the past will help you have a better future.
12. I have to attend my daughter’s dance competition.
    *If you were in a car accident you wouldn’t attend it. Maybe you’ve been in an emotional accident!
13. Spending that much time or money on myself is selfish.
    *Taking good care of yourself will actually enable you to be more useful to others.

Please comment below and let us know what excuses tend to keep you from getting the help you need. Or maybe, tell us of a time when you took a risk and invested heavily in your own healing and recovery, and how it paid off. (If you can't figure out how to leave a comment, email me and I'll send you instructions... doug@growingandhealingministries.com. Thanks!

People just like you made it through!

One thing that puzzles me is how easy the people in the Bible had it. Everything always went right. They had no problems or struggles. Their prayers were answered immediately. They had perfect families. And they had more money than they knew what to do with!

Me? Well, I struggle with the current economic downturn, my health could be better, just started a new business that takes so much of my time, I have three teenagers, get a bad attitude more than I care to admit, and so on! I wish I had it as good as those saints of old.

Oh. Wait a minute. Now that I think about it, some of those bible heroes did have occasional hard times... I mean, Joseph. His brothers couldn't stand him, decided to kill him, then changed their mind and sold him as a slave. Then he gets to do time in prison for trying to stay pure. I guess his life was not always a piece of cake.

Oh, and maybe Noah. He was constantly ridiculed when building a boat in the desert. Nobody but his family listened to his warnings.

We can throw in David, if you'd like. Saul hunted him down like prey. His son died in infancy. And his son mounted a rebellion against him. Not good times.

Another exception might be Jacob who worked 7 years for his wife, and then had to work another 7 because he was tricked! That would be a drag.

Jeremiah was torn apart inside, depressed and resentful because no one listened to the word of God he was declaring.

Moses got to see the Promised Land but wasn't allowed to enter it, even though God had used him to deliver the people from Egypt.

And what about Daniel who got thrown in the lion's den just because he prayed? That's not a walk in the park.

Paul was certainly another exception since he had multiple prison stays, severe floggings, stonings, shipwrecks, was often hungry, thirsty, tired, cold, and naked, and was in danger from just about everyone. Not a posh life.

And we must mention Jesus. Reviled, persecuted, disbelieved, abandoned, betrayed, beaten, crucified... a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Not the lifestyle of the rich and famous!

I admit, there are a large number of exceptions. In fact, I'd have to say that an easy, problem-free life IS the exception among Bible characters!

The Good News? Because of their faith, these folks made it through! Not because they were better people than you and me... stronger, smarter, holier, charmed. But because of their faith in the One who was in charge of their lives. They trusted that God was good in spite of their circumstances. They trusted that even if their faith led to death that God was still in charge, that he still loved and cared about them, and that they would still get their reward on the other side. They had eyes to see the reality that extends beyond the physical. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (NIV)

What are you up against today? Bankruptcy? A dissolving marriage? Loss of a job? Devastating illness? Rebellious children? Loss of hope? Loss of direction? Emotional pain? Addiction? Whatever it is, do you have faith? Faith that God still loves you? That he is in control of your life? That he wants the best for you? That he will never leave you or forsake you? That no matter what you suffer in this life, your eternal reward will far outweigh it? If you have faith in this God, you can make it through ANYTHING! Even death.

Let me leave you today with an encouraging word from Hebrews 12:1-3. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.” (NLT)

Jesus made it through. Others made it through. You can too!!

Amen

This article was originally written by Doug Doan for Christian Professionals Resource

I'm Separated. What do I do???

I have had the opportunity to help several people over the past couple of years who were struggling with an unwanted separation/divorce. In my opinion, this is one of the most difficult experiences of life to navigate. It's an unwanted roller-coaster ride that you can't get off! Yuck...

As a Christian, I believe there are three things that are important to do, all at the same time. It's a huge challenge, but if you take it on, it will help you make the most of a perplexing and painful and confusing situation.

1. EMOTIONALLY: On an emotional level you have to grieve as if this marriage is over. Let yourself feel the pain, get the support, grieve the loss. Get to the place where you can imagine life without your spouse in it. And imagining that it will be OK. This is a very difficult place to get to. But it will be sooo helpful in the long run, no matter what the result of the separation is.

2. INTELLECTUALLY: With our brains we know and believe that this situation could always turn around. Our spouse can change. God may move in a miraculous way. Unexpected circumstances may arise. So we continue to pray for that, work for that, be open to that. That is our rational self.

3. PRACTICALLY: On a day-to-day level, focus on taking care of yourself. Do anything and everything to be healthy and strong... physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, financially. You have been hit by a bus, and you need a lot of TLC. It's OK. You're not a baby. You need to be well cared for during this time. It's not selfish. And part of taking care of yourself may be limiting exposure to your spouse, or setting other boundaries regarding your interactions with them, so that you don't keep getting hit by the same bus! (One of the most ironic things that tends to happen is that the more boundaries you have regarding your spouse, in an effort to take care of yourself, the more likely it will wake your spouse up to the reality of what is happening, and what they are losing, and give them the impetus to work on the relationship again. Sometimes it is the only thing that gets their attention.)

If you find yourself in this situation, I'm so sorry. It's horrible! Hopefully, these guidelines will help you keep your focus on what's really important. Don't hesitate to contact us if we can be of help! You don't have to do this alone.